for the people next door
Doubt and hard days

What do I say to a friend whose grandparent died?

2 min read Answered by the Neighbor Radio team Neighbor review in progress Updated

Keep it simple: “I’m so sorry about your grandma.” You don’t need perfect words. Then show up. Sit with them, text later in the week and remember the grandparent’s name. Skip “they’re in a better place” unless you know your friend believes that. If their family has customs, like sitting shiva or a fast burial, follow your friend’s lead.

1 · MindWhat people believe, and how they know

Grief comes in waves. Your friend might seem fine at school and then fall apart at home, or the other way around. The hardest days are often weeks later, or on holidays and birthdays.

Families mourn in different ways. Jewish families often bury quickly and “sit shiva” at home for seven days, when friends visit. Muslim families usually bury within a day or so and say, “To God we belong, and to Him we return.” Many Hindu families cremate and hold prayers for about 13 days. Many Christian families hold a visitation and a funeral, and some Mexican American families remember the person each year on Día de los Muertos.

2 · HeartWhat it feels like

Your friend may feel sad, numb, angry or even guilty for laughing. All of that is normal.

You might feel awkward and scared of saying the wrong thing. That’s normal too. Saying something kind, even clumsy, is better than saying nothing.

Nobody remembers the exact words you said when their grandpa died. They remember that you sat with them at lunch the next day.Neighbor Radio

3 · HandsHow to be a good neighbor

Say “I’m so sorry.” Text a few days later: “Thinking of you. No need to reply.” Ask about their grandparent: “What was she like?” If you’re invited to a funeral or a visit, go, and wear plain dark clothes. Don’t post about it online before your friend does. If your friend seems stuck in sadness for a long time, tell a trusted adult.

This weekAsk a friend who lost someone what their grandparent was like, and just listen.

Four questions to take with you

From Jesus' story of the Good Samaritan, about the stranger who stopped to help. We call it the Samaritan Test.

  1. Did they see? Or look right past?
  2. Did they stop? Even when it was inconvenient?
  3. Did it cost them? Time, money, comfort, reputation?
  4. Did they treat the person like a person? Not like a label?

Try it on: when someone is hurting, do you stay away because you don’t know what to say?

Quick questions

Should I go to the funeral?

If it’s open or you’re invited, going means a lot. Ask your friend or their parent if you’re not sure.

What if I start crying?

That’s okay. It shows you care.

What if I already said the wrong thing?

Say, “I didn’t know what to say, but I’m here.” Most people remember the care, not the words.

Sources and research
  1. Romans 12:15, "weep with those who weep" (World English Bible)
  2. Qur'an 2:156
  3. The Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families
How this answer was made

Written in plain words by the Neighbor Radio team. Each faith's and community's section is checked by someone from that faith or community. Until then, this page says so. Spot something wrong? Tell us. We read every note and fix mistakes.

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